- 01. Minutes of the COCKUP
- 02. A Public Service
- 03. The 22% Solution
- 04. On The Campaign Trail
- 05. Athens of America
- 06. A Yankee’s Yankee
- 07. My Canadian Family
- 08. Edmonton? Why?
- 09. Prairie Singers
- 10. Deconstructing Calgary
- 11. My Kelowna
- 12. Wine Whine
- 13. Fire Mountain
- 14. A Stopover and a Popover
- 15. Inspiring Victoria
- 16. Planet Rosehip
- 17. Carry On Grunge
- 18. Street People
- 19. The Curse of Portland
- 20. Mean-Spirited, Powerful Justice
- 21. Amtrak’s Jewel
- 22. Managing Yosemite
- 23. Yumpin’ Yosemite
- 24. Parched
- 25. Brave New San Fran
- 26. Over The Hill
- 27. Greatest Again
The Committee On Considering Kodiak’s US Presidency (COCKUP) came to order after the fourth bottle. The Chair moved another bottle, which was PASSED without objection.
COCKUP ACCEPTED the Terms of Reference, noting the primary objective was to explore the feasibility of a run for the Presidency of the United States by Smiling Kodiak.
To facilitate the conversation, the Secretary TABLED a list of the currently declared candidates for the Republican and Democratic Party nominations:
|Declared Candidates as at 19 June 2015|
|Skip Andrews||Morrison Bonpasse|
|Michael Bickelmeyer||Harry Braun|
|Kerry Bowers||Andy Caffrey|
|Jeb Bush||Willie Carter|
|Dr. Ben Carson||Lincoln Chafee|
|Dale Christensen||Hillary Clinton|
|Ted Cruz||Lloyd Kelso|
|Brooks Cullison||Martin O’Malley|
|John Dummett, Jr.||Bernie Sanders|
|Mark Everson||Doug Shreffler|
|Carly Fiorina||Michael Steinberg|
|Lindsey Graham||Robby Wells|
|Jim Hayden||Willie Wilson|
|Chris Hill||Brad Winslow|
A robust and mirthful discussion ENSUED, animated gesticulations punctuating the deliberations. Several members exhibited symptoms of hysteria, leading the Chair to suspend the rules.
The Secretary was directed to answer the following questions regarding each candidate:
- Are you kidding me?
The Secretary’s answers were incomplete. By unanimous consent COCKUP AGREED it did not matter.
Consensus formed that COCKUP must assume prima facie that each of these candidates had a “feasible” campaign. Several members expressed concern that the definition of “feasible” must have changed. The Chair moved to declare Smiling Kodiak’s candidacy feasible. The extinguished gentleman from St Kilda seconded, and COCKUP APPROVED.
Members then discussed which party was more likely to nominate Smiling Kodiak. A review of key issues indicated Smiling Kodiak’s views were more consistent with those generally espoused by the Democratic Party. However, it was noted that 83% (20 of 24) of the Republican Party candidates were emotionally bankrupt and morally demented, compared to only 60% of that party’s rank and file. The bankrupt and demented vote of the Republican Party faithful was likely to be split, making the candidacy of one representing none of the Republican Party’s basic tenets more likely to obtain the nomination.
Further, it was quite clear that any Republican nominee actually holding the views of the Republican Party members would be unelectable in a general election. Therefore, since history has shown that Democratic voters are more likely to vote Republican in a general election than vice-versa, a Republican nominee sharing none of the party’s views would be very attractive to the Republican Party stalwarts.
Scrutiny revealed that the only mandatory requirement of a Republican Party candidacy was to believe that America was in a horrible state and headed in the wrong direction, a position consistent with Smiling Kodiak’s views. As such, it was moved, seconded, and COCKUP RESOLVED to recommend that Smiling Kodiak seek the Republican Party Nomination.
Regarding fundraising, members unanimously agreed that accepting donations from any person necessarily and inherently gave rise to conflicts of interest, and worse, agreements of disinterest. COCKUP therefore DETERMINED that funds would only be accepted from foreign corporations in amounts greater than $100,000, or from the sale of books.
The issue of Smiling Kodiak’s eligibility to be President arose. Article II, Section 1, Clause 5 of the US Constitution provides:
“No Person except a natural born Citizen … shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have … been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States.”
It was acknowledged that Smiling Kodiak was a natural born Citizen, but concern lay with his current status as a resident and citizen of Australia. Counsel noted that the clause had not prevented Republican Herbert Hoover from serving as President, although in retrospect the Republican Party would have been better served if it had. Like Kodiak, Hoover had been a resident of the USA for far more than fourteen years, just not all of the fourteen years prior to being elected, much of which had been spent overseas.
With regard to the fact that Smiling Kodiak was a fiction, Counsel dismissed this concern, pointing out “So is the US Constitution.”
COCKUP moved on to strategic issues, identifying the campaign’s key constituencies and respective numbers as follow:
- Homosexuals 8,000,000
- Expatriates 6,000,000
- The Cross-eyed 5,000,000
- Beach Volleyballers 1,000,000
- Sousaphonists 22,500
This suggested a core constituency of 20,022,500, assuming no overlap. Consideration was given as to the number of homosexual expatriate cross-eyed beach-volleyballing sousaphonists.
The Chair moved, and COCKUP ENTHUSED that Smiling Kodiak should announce his candidacy on Independence Day in Boston Massachusetts.
Prior to adjourning, the Chair reminded the members of their duty of confidentiality, noting that the record of this meeting, including these minutes, were to be treated as “Eyes-Only”. No one present had any idea what he meant by that.
ADJOURNED. A true record.